I did something stupid, and now I am embarrassed.
Last Sunday, this kid I know was getting baptised, and the church was crammed. I was sitting at the back next to a woman I'd never met before, and, like the socially not-awkward idiot I am, I tried many times to strike up a conversation. It took about ten minutes of monosyllabic, noncommittal responses to my stupid questions for me to realise she was three things:
1) Not listening.
2) Not caring, even if she was.
3) Breastfeeding.
It really made me think: maybe some people were placed on this Earth purely to give God a good laugh. I wouldn't mind so much if I wasn't completely certain that I am one of those people. As it is, I seriously resent the whole system.
Some people are so damn perfect, it makes you sick. People like Prof. Brian Cox. He's charming, he's insanely clever, he's hot [for a forty-something year old physicist], and he sported some seriously cool hair when he was younger, not counting the mullet. Were it not for the fact that I'm completely in love with him for all the said reasons, I'd probably hate him for being stupidly flawless.
And then there are the people who know they're flawed, but don't care - and in not caring, they make their flaws less so. If I could choose, this is the kind of person I'd be; imperfect, but confident enough to wear my faults on my sleeve, as if to say, "This is me, and I'm not changing for you or anyone else."
And the people like me - acutely aware of our blemishes, made insecure and neurotic because of them, dangerously low self esteem, etc. It's a bummer, and it's massively unfair.
What makes a person confident or shy? What makes a person gay or straight [or bi, for the Hovis effect*]? Why am I incapable of working with numbers, but relatively competent at manipulating the English language?
Nature or nurture? Is it my fault, or can I blame my genetics? What about my upbringing? How much of an impact on my adult self has my awful primary schooling made? I want to know.
Quote of the day: Any fool knows that bravado is a cover-up for insecurity. [Bobby Darin]
* Best of both
1 comment:
I'd say it was your environment the cause. Some parts of your personality will be genetic of course, but mostly we as humans are the product of our childhood. For your varied skills in different subjects, that will again be a mixture of your cognitive function (how your brain is wired up), and what you put into it, which will depend on your past efforts and attitudes and how prepared with knowledge you are.
I hope this has helped Katherine :) But don't hold me against it :P
Oh, and don't be so blue, you're lovely just the way you are:)
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