Festive regrets.

Coming up to a year ago now, I went out with this guy without liking him at all and I can admit now that I was with him because I wanted to get back at someone else who'd hurt me not long before that, in a nicely fucked up look-at-me-I'm-doing-just-fine-without-you way. That's probably the worst thing I've ever done; using someone like that, playing with someone like that, is unforgivable. He despises me now, and has every reason to - no one deserves to be messed around like that, and even though I never did what I should have done and come clean to him, I think he knew, or at least knows now, that I was never terribly keen on him. I mean, when all is said and done, nothing about my personality is remotely compatible with his - in his company, I have never had to fight so hard to not instinctively roll my eyes at some of the things he said and did, and he disagrees with all of my beliefs and ethics [which is completely fair enough, I know that people have differing opinions - it's just rare that two people of opinions differing to the extent to which ours did should ever form any kind of successful relationship. Ours was, of course, very unsuccessful].

I broke up with him a couple of weeks after we got together because, naturally, I started to feel guilty, and I basically didn't want the knowledge that I was leading him on making me feel bad anymore. I got, and broke up, with him for purely selfish reasons and several months on, older and wiser and all that, I'm suffering for it a lot more than I was back then. I couldn't justify what I did even if I wanted to. Like I said, unforgivable. Haven't spoken to him for months - haven't thought about him for months either - but I bumped into his sister in town earlier today, and there was that awkward you-played-my-brother-like-an-instrument-you-absolute-whore moment and that put him back in my mind. Kind of inconveniently. I mean - it's Christmas Eve, I'm supposed to be happy! If I could take control of a time machine, the first thing I'd do would be to punch my younger self, if only to act as revenge for the fact that the guilt is gnawing away at me now. I'd go back exactly a year and give myself such a bollocking. That girl I was then - she disgusts me. I was reading my diary entrants from January this year, and it made me want to throw something, or at least call a friend and beg to know why they stayed friends with me after that. Seriously.

Still. Christmas tomorrow. Family. Presents. Goodwill. A fucking massive turkey. Wham.
New Year after that. Home. Friends. Jools Holland.

It's going to be good. At New Year I can make a list of resolutions to inevitably break by January 3rd. As always.

I hope I cheer up in time for tomorrow.

Quote of the day: Penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar. They're worth so much more after I'm a goner. [If I Die Young, The Band Perry]