On thesaurus.com, the only antonym for the word "utopia" is "hell".
I've been thinking about that a lot recently. Perfection and all. What is paradise, really? Is it being in an Eden-esq setting, somewhere warm where there's apple trees and honey bees and snow white turtle doves? Is it the feeling you supposedly get ten minutes after a spliff, lolling on a vodka-soaked beanbag with a lazy grin and a dream to conquer the world? Is it being halfway up a tree with friends somewhere in Suffolk, high on cheap Coke and strawberry laces, joking and jamming on a battered guitar and refusing to think about what life has in store for us? Because, to be honest, I'm craving any of the three.
Don't get me wrong - life is good, right now. The school I started about a month ago - so far it's the happiest I've ever been at school, and I hope and pray every day that things will only get better because, to be honest, up 'til now school has never been particularly good and I want my break. [I KNOW, I KNOW - compared to some people, my experiences are nothing, but twelve years of dreading going to school in the morning, even if you're not being mugged/hazed/knifed during the day, gets very tiresome.]
So, that got me thinking some more - how do we know when our "break" has come? Is it when you feel as if you're in paradise, in your own personal Never-Neverland, even if it's only having coffee with someone you know you're going to be with forever, or skydiving, knowing you'll never feel freedom like it again? Because, as good as school is now, it's all relative - if I'd had a better time at my old schools, I probably wouldn't be that impressed, and there is room for improvement. I don't know whether I'm waiting for a revelation, an epiphany of sorts, that will just never happen. Maybe it's more gradual - like Amy said about meeting Rory, "the more you get to know them, the more beautiful they become". I'm not just talking about meeting your soulmate, because not everyone finds happiness in another person, but as much as I like my own company, I know I personally prefer being with others, if they're not dicks. But anyway - more gradual. I'm waiting on a thunderclap of realisation to hit me, when it might be more of a gentle breeze pushing me in the direction of something or someone that will, one day, complete me. And then I'll know.
Maybe.
Quote of the day: One person's terrorist is another's freedom fighter. [Anon.]
