Establishing identity

I feel This Is Me by Charlie McDonnell is an appropriate song to be listening to, in relation to the topic of this ramble.

I was flicking through some exercise books from a few schools ago and I found a small essay response I wrote, aged, like, 13, to the prompt "culture identity". Spelling and punctuation amended, it goes exactly like this:

I have lived in Northamptonshire my whole life, which is in the Midlands in England, and I'm half Scottish, half English. I was raised into a Christian family and that is the religion I try and live my life by, but I think Buddhists have some good values too, and so I try and stick to the laws of karma. I don't know enough about politics to give a proper opinion on it. In my family I am the youngest, and my siblings are a lot older than me, so I think some parts of me are older than others, like my sense of humour. 

The idiocy makes me laugh. That and the appalling choice of lexicon. Nearly cried laughing at the "parts of me are older than others" bit. I assume I meant that, in some ways, I'm more mature than most people my age without older siblings. Which is clearly a lie, I still laugh whenever I see this:

It's the phallicake!

Pitiful writing skills on my part aside, I got thinking about what's changed since then. You know. Culture identity.

For a start, I don't live in Northants anymore; about a year after that was written my family picked up and moved to Suffolk.

I've since found out that while my mother is completely Scottish, my father is completely Irish - I have no England in me!

Christianity, and the benefits and sacrifices that come with it, mean a lot more to me now than they did when I wrote that - I do stuff I shouldn't and I feel guilt, I want to stop before I let anyone else down, but I'm in a constant internal conflict between the ethics of my faith and the fuck it I'm young mindset I have every respect for so it looks like, for the foreseeable future, I'm going to carry on doing stupid things and regretting them later. 

Buddha's still pretty good. [I'm not Buddhist, but their values are almost completely compatible with Christianity, and I think they're a decent set of moral guidelines for humanity as a whole.]

I still don't know anything about politics - except, whatever any of them do is never going to advantage everyone they're responsible for, no matter their intentions, honourable or otherwise. Other people hate the PM, I pity him. Can you imagine how it must feel to know that half your country hates you because your priorities and your actions don't benefit them?

Being so much younger than both my siblings has made me a better person than I would be if I didn't have them; on top of everything they do for me, something I've realised recently is they make me put things into perspective. A few months ago I was whining to my sister about coursework, and a couple of minutes later Leo puked all over her; he'd been really sick for two days and there was nothing she was really able to do about it. He's okay now, but I remember feeling crappy for having the audacity to complain when there was a mother in front of me with a sick baby. Now [I think] I'm more sensitive to my audience; I know to whinge about coursework to someone with equally [ultimately] trivial worries, and I know to offer sympathy to people whose worries far outweigh mine.

No one's reading this but if you are, I challenge you to write your next blog post as a response to the stimulus "identity" and to make a better job of it than I did first time.

Quote of the Day: Stars fading but I linger on. [Dream a Little Dream of me, Mamas and the Papas]

Now I'm old and senile...

Take Me Out, Franz Ferdinand. Listen out for the bit that always makes me want to dance. You'll know it when you get to it.

Tuesday [my 17th] was... perfect. ☺

Started when I woke up to the timeless voice of George Michael on the radio [I still love him, even if the rest of the world thinks he's a toilet prowler]. I wasn't expecting anything, but I stumbled into my parents' room and found a BEAUTIFUL guitar case, one of the massive, proper oldschool, clunky ones, and it's awesome. Hermann feels right at home in the velvet. They also gave me two driving theory/road sign books, presumably so I can study up for the inevitable driving lessons that'll come next. Help, me in control of a vehicle. My friend on the bus gave me a tin of cakes she'd made, spelling out "*name of the guy from a few posts ago* is a dick", with a drawing on the last cake to tastefully illustrate her point. I never thought I'd come to love a cake with a phallus on it as much as I do.
My day was one of those where everything happens the way you want it to, largely down to the fact it was generally just a really nice day, in a lot of small ways; I didn't have to run for the bus, I had nice lessons, the weather was nice, that kind of thing. Lunch was good. A group of us ambled into town and got a takeaway. Eating my way to imminent obesity was a perfectly amiable way to spend an hour of my life. Holy crap, I ate a lot that day. No word of a lie, I was a single muffin away from heart failure. After school, we went to my sister's, to hang out with the baby, which was so much more epic than I'm making it out to be. She made us cannelloni, which I've decided I'm going to learn to make at some point this year. They gave me a mug with Leo's footprints on it in yellow, which makes me very happy. The handle is rainbow-coloured.

I like it.

Because he's a genuinely great guy [bit of late-night alliteration, yes], the one whose screen name I can never remember made it his mission over the last weeks to organise a surprise partay for me for the weekend after - funnily enough, this weekend! That's why I haven't been posting for a while, because I thought I should wait until my birthday is officially over before I write about it. So, yeah - since I found out about his deviousness about a week ago, everyone involved refused to tell me anything about it despite all my begging which meant that when the 7 of us tumbled into the bowling alley I was genuinely surprised. I haven't improved any since last time but oh my God it was so much fun, with the mass pileons and photo shoots and mincing and ball fondling and sneaky Slush Puppy-special water cocktails [surprisingly delicious] and - seriously - up until about midnight it's the best birthday party I've ever had. I don't actually know how I can thank you enough, anonymous. 

For my Lit coursework, I'm in the process of writing an essay [basically] about the differences between men and women - and of late I've been thinking about that. What makes us different? Why are women more likely to be sentimental and tidy and beautifully made up and artistic and soft and graceful and bloody skinny and good at cooking than men? Why do I not tick any of the boxes my gender dictates is right? It bothers me.
Quote of the Day: You're beautiful because, for you, politeness is instinctive, not a marketing campaign. I'm ugly because desperation is impossible to hide. [You're Beautiful, Simon Armitage]
PS - Anonymous - you were hammered. It was hilarious.

Birthday-eve

Steer Yourself, Tiger MCs. Not to advertise my brother's band or anything, but this really is a great song.

AHH! 17 TOMORROW! Freaking out a little! At the same time, really looking forward to it as well. One more year and a day until I can buy my own booze! Win!

I watched The Wizard of Oz last night, because just one movie laden with nostalgia wasn't enough for one weekend, and so much of the humour that completely passed over my head when I was little made me laugh loudly enough to have to stuff a pillow in my face. Oh, those munchkins. It's been too long. [Note - spellcheck accepts the word "munchkin". The world is beautiful.]

In the common room at lunch today, I was sitting in a corner talking to a friend and two couples came and sat on either side of us, effectively trapping us in their couple-ness, and there was this overwhelming feeling of "Help, I'm surrounded by love". As nice as it is to see affection in the world, for a singleton such as I it serves as a grim reminder of my own isolation. I'm being a huge drama queen, it's not that bad. I'm free to check out as many arses as I want without anyone having the wherewithal to guilt trip me into stopping. By that argument, I pronounce single life to be far better than relationships.

So... 17 tomorrow. I don't even remember my 16th birthday. Then again, I don't remember much of the first half of year 11. Too many really, really bad things happened, the repercussions of which are still knocking my confidence and affecting the way I go about my life today. I suppose, in a way, I'm glad to be getting older. The age of being an annoying little kid is so nearly over. It's going to be good to be taken seriously. I don't know why, but "17" just sounds so much more responsible than "16". Funny how that happens. Like how 3 is so, so much bigger than 2. But yeah. Growing older, wiser, more comfortable in my own skin and all that. Plus my skin's nowhere near as crap as it used to be, for which I'm eternally grateful. I've probably jinxed it now, and I'll wake up tomorrow with a colony of spots in the shape of a willy on my forehead or something.

Skins is back tonight! As ashamed as I am to admit it, I've been looking forward to this for months. Seeing Frankie and Grace and Rich [love for Rich] again an' all. Big love for Mini too, with her questionable lesbianism and pretty face.

Quote of the Day: Walk with me Susie Lee, through the park and by the trees. [We're Going to be Friends, White Stripes]

Flibbityplib

Hellfire, from Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame. Watched that film last night [like the cool person I am] for the first time in, honestly, about 8 years, and that song was always the one that I didn't like when I was little so I'd skip it, but watching it last night made me see for the first time what a fricking good, terrifying song it is. Shivered me timbers, you might say. Surprisingly dark, too, for Disney. The themes of Hell and lust, in one song? Pretty deep. Though he'd better improve his pickup lines if he ever wants to score. "Be mine or you will burn" leaves  a lot to be desired.

Today's been really good. Pub quiz with the parents was made infinitely more bearable by the appearance of... do you have a false name, you? Anyway. Between us we effectively aced the music round, I became worryingly overexcited at winning a litre of 37.5% gin and he even got a potential job opportunity - by constantly twiddling with the biggest ukulele I've ever seen :P It was great. 

Birthday in 2 days! Crap! I don't want to grow up - 17 is so damn old.

Quote of the Day: [Babysitting E, 5, and J, 3, earlier this evening]

     Me: *humming*

     E: Can you stop making that noise?

     Me: Why?

     E: Because we'd like some peace and quiet.

Yo, puppy dawg

Common People, Pulp. Not a big fan of Jarvis Cocker, but this is a nineties classic.

Went to see Warhorse with mum today [like the cool person I am, hanging out with my ma on a Saturday afternoon]. If I'm honest, I only really went because I heard Benedict Cumberpatch was in it, and I was sorely disappointed - it was more of a cameo appearance, and I think it's outrageous that he was made to look unsexy. That's like... writing a phone message on the Mona Lisa because you had nothing else to use.

Heh... You know how you always prefix adjectives and nouns that begin with a vowel with an "an" as opposed to an "a"? I've been wondering what the exceptions are. An hour. A unanimous something. I want more. Words fascinate me. The English language is just so incredible - people who say they hate reading, they hate English, it... it doesn't make sense! Language is beautiful!

Pretentious moment over. 

I love babies... They're so gorgeous, all of them. Apart from the one I saw in Ipswich the other week who looked a lot like Churchill. Yeah. All babies except that one. I wish I could line up all the babies in the world and just go round chubbing each of them. Except Churchill baby, he was kind of skinny. Nowhere near enough chub.

I don't really have anything else to say to you. Sorry for wasting your time an' all.

Quote of the Day: [Glee S2E14]

       Rachel: I've never even had a drink.

       Finn: Seriously? No wonder I never got past second base.

Someone that makes me so happy, the smile stays on my face for days

Kids, MGMT. Trust me, you'll know it.

Hey, Hatter - I'm doing it, I'm doing what you told me to, and I'm smiling as I write :)

Meet Leo.

He's a little shy of four months old, and already he's shaping up to be, honestly, the best nephew in the world. His cheeks have a large part to play in that verdict, yes, but they are magnificent. And his chins. 

My sister told us she and her husband were expecting their first baby in February last year and, even though I was hugely excited, nothing in the world could have prepared me for actually meeting him, come mid-September. It all seemed so crazy, all the excitement of the previous months added to the undeniable weirdness of witnessing my sister get bigger along with the endless pregnant-talk, escalating overnight until the crazy bump she'd been lumping around for 9 months was replaced by a tiny, tangible baby and endless baby-talk. I mean, that's a human being. It seemed so weird at the time.

The first time I held him was one of the first times I was really comfortable with a child. It's no secret, that I'm awkward with kids, but it's different with Leo. Mum and I are always in fierce competition whenever they visit us, to see who can scoop him first. Considering she's had way more experience in the baby-snatching department than I have, I'm not too bad. It's all in the technique; grabbing him smoothly enough so that he doesn't complain, and quickly enough so that the person you're stealing him from doesn't complain either. It's an acquired skill.

That's the face I wear pretty much every time I cuddle him. My I am holding a baby face. 

When he was less than a couple of weeks old, my parents and I drove over to visit the wee family and he was so unbelievably tiny. I was curled up on the sofa and he was snuggled into my chest, sleeping, and that's probably the most content I've been. Like, ever. It was in that half hour or so that I realised - I'd do anything in the world for him. Anything at all. The only thing in my world worse than something bad happening to him would be knowing that it happened on my watch - and so I can't ever let that happen. I won't let it happen.

In the very, very unlikely event this begins to get many followers, I'll probably remove this post altogether.

Quote of the Day: The whole of Taylor Swift's Never Grow Up.

How To Talk To People

Medicine, We Were Promised Jetpacks. They're so Scottish! And alternative! Alternatively Scottish!

As the title might suggest, I had the marvellous idea of writing up a blog-manual on how to converse like a human being with other human beings - but when it came to writing the beginning of this sentence, I realised that I am in no position to be telling other people how to be able to engage in normal conversation when I'm so utterly incapable of it myself. That's why I blog so much, if I'm honest. I struggle to talk to most people, and writing is where I'm most comfortable expressing myself [we'll ignore the fact that it's mainly the people I am able to talk to who are likely to be reading this]. 

So. yeah. Talking. Part of me hates it; there's nothing worse than taking a seat in tutor next to someone you've known for ages, smiling timidly at one another and asking the inevitable: how are you? In a world of forced niceties [hell yes, that is a  word], how are you has got to be the most unappealing question anyone could possibly ask. You might as well be honest and say I don't know what to say to you, but I don't want to look like a loser so I'm going to pretend to take an interest in your life when, to be quite honest, I don't give a monkey's; we've known each other for three years now and I still can't talk to you, I'm thinking we should maybe retreat into silence and just hope it's companionable enough not to be awkward. Ugh. Small talk. I don't know whether it's worse to be known as the girl who asks people how they are all the time, or the girl who listens to music like a loner because she'd rather not waste the oxygen. I've been both, among others, from time to time.

In my experience, I've found that conversation is most natural, and easiest, with people with whom you can be comfortable as yourself - with whom you can be honest. Someone who's quick with a joke and a compliment, who's unaware of social expectations, who smiles as though there's nothing wrong and knows when to take the conversation to a more serious level, and also when to not speak at all. The people who can do all of these and continue to surprise me are generally the people that become my friends. The people who completely ignore all of those and still manage to entrance me are my closest.

On an unrelated topic, I've come to the conclusion that being too similar to a person makes for a bad potential relationship, because both parties are snobby about the same things - ie, the other person. Being said other person is really quite unpleasant. 

Quote of the Day: I felt the power of death over life; I orphaned his children, I widowed his wife. I beg their forgiveness, I wish I was dead. [I Hung My Head, Johnny Cash]

Quite a lot of things are terrible afflictions

Careless Whisper, George Michael. Alternatively, watch the cover by Rufus Wainwright and Ben Folds, and watch out for incredible harmonising at about 3 minutes. "We could have been so good together, we could have made this last forever, but noooooooo one's gonna dance with meeee"... Musical orgasm.

Hatter's told me to write about something that makes me happy - I want to, I honestly do, and I will do it, but there's something I need to get off my chest first.

Remember the one I messed up with a few days ago? Well, if I killed whatever there obviously wasn't before then it's safe to assume I kicked the grave nice and hard today. There's no point going into great detail, but apart from anything else, the saying "don't fuck with the irredeemable" [okay, I just made that up, but there's probably something like that] has finally been knocked into my stupid, stupid brain, because I'm evidently incapable of not meddling in everything I shouldn't be. And I mean that in most ways you can interpret it.

I woke up at 6, ready to throw up all over the place and, in the hours between going back to bed  for 5 minutes and waking up again realising I'd missed school, I had the first proper, vivid dream I'd had in such a long time. It was... weirdly refreshing. It was nice, too. I dreamed that I found an enormous paper scroll, like that tapestry of that battle... What's it called? I just remember the picture of the soldier, probably of enormous significance, with an arrow in his eye. Yeah. It was like that in shape, but much longer, and rolled up and given to me as a present, and there was a variety of different places sewn into it, just really lovely fantasy places, and I transported myself into the scroll and just hung around in them. It was so nice.

I just said to mum, "Dreamland is so much more pleasant than reality". She argues that reality is more interesting. I can deal with boring, just take me to a place where everything I touch doesn't turn to shit. That's what I'm afraid is going to happen, in the future; it annoys me so much that I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm going to do. Mum pointed me to psalm 119, verse 105: "Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path." I don't know where I'll end up, but maybe I don't need to know, she said, largely in response to my ranting about the bastard lit essay in for tomorrow, and my frustrated realisation that, in the grand scheme of things, my essay doesn't matter. In 10 years, 20 years, however long it takes for me to establish my own life, I'm not going to think back to the time I analysed the ways in which Virginia Woolf presents gender inequality in A Room Of One's Own. It's boring, whatever I write will have been done before, any new ideas I come up with are inevitably old, it's pointless. Mum was basically saying that, no, it's not important in the long run, but for today it's a stepping stone - "Your word is a lamp for my feet", - even if I can't see any further than where I'm going to put my feet next, it's still a step in the right direction [I trust, seen as it's a writing task and that's ultimately what I want to do with my life], and so it's a good thing - right? Right. And so I finish off this post and try not to cry over the time I could have used to complete the damn essay. Admiring the view is all well and good, but if you never put one foot in front of the other, you can't expect to get anywhere. I think that's what I've been doing too much of lately. Waiting for someone to come along and give me a piggyback to where I need to be, when I need to learn to walk alone.

Listen to as much Rufus Wainwright as you possibly can. I've got Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk on repeat right now. And his cover of Hallelujah is the best. He's made of velvet.

Quote of the Day: He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy! [Life of Brian]

I know I'm lucky in a lot of ways

Uncomfortably Slow, Newton Faulkner. This was the first song to really touch me in a time I was desensitised to emotion, and I found that the lyrics said exactly what I was feeling. So... yeah. Listen to it, it's one of my favourites to come back to when I'm feeling down.

It's on my bucket list, to become less selfish, and yesterday I had something of an epiphany - in essence, I'm too self-obsessed for my own good. Today, in effort to see where to begin, I made two lists:

Things that matter now:

 - God

 - surviving

 - schoolwork

 - the future/ambitions

 - friends

 - family

 - being clever

 - my cat

 - liking myself

 - reading

 - writing

 - my appearance

 - what people think of me

 - money

 - music

 - making myself happy

 - making others happy

 - "him/her"

 - documenting life.

[I'd like to say now, they're not necessarily in order of priority, I just wrote them down as they came to me.]

Things that ultimately matter:

 - God

 - family

 - friends

 - love

 - being content

 - documenting life

 - loving thy neighbour

That really is all that matters. I'm such a rubbish human -.-

Big, dramatic sigh. On the other hand, I emailed the editor of my village newsletter along with a couple of things I wrote and I've been offered a regular column, which is great. Not hugely impressive, I know, but everyone's got to start somewhere.

Quote of the Day: In the computer section of the library at lunch; Miriam's sitting on George's lap; Sam is hug raping me.

   Librarian: Cut that out, you ought to be setting a good example to the younger ones.

   George: Shoving Miriam off his lap It's okay, we're not... We're not-

   Librarian: Only one person to a computer, you know the rules.

When you wish upon Brian Cox, your dreams come true.

This Little Light, LZ7. Heh, I remember Theo played this at the party on Saturday and all us Christians who recognised it were like, "Really?" but everyone loved it, which is great. It's so gosh darn catchy. Religion has never been catchy.

I don't know why, but I'm in a pretty foul mood right now. I have absolutely no excuse to be, my day's been pretty good: I got a lie-in until half 10, arrived at school at 11 and immediately got a massive hug, I carved "I♥U" into a kiwi fruit in biology, hung out with some new people under the stairs at lunch, arsed around with Miriam in English, loitered in the library with the private school toffs [I jest], dinner was delicious, as is Professor Brian Cox [my favourite physicist in the world], who's doing his Stargazing Live on the BBC with Dara O'Briain - and I love Brian Cox! I love the stars! I love dinner! Why am I not happy?! Cheer up, damnit!

I feel like I've been way too centred around myself lately, and I want to change that. How are you guys? Talk to me, give me a topic to blog about, tell me how you're doing. I genuinely want to know.

Quote of the Day: "The reason authors almost always put a dedication on a book, Annie, is because their selfishness even horrifies themselves in the end." [Paul Sheldon - Misery, Stephen King]

Humble Narcissism

Je Ne Regrette Rien, Idith Piaf

Because I'm not anywhere near self-obsessed enough to be satisfied with one self-pitying blog post for one day, I'm doin' another. Feel free to not read this, it's really not worth anyone's time. 

1. Last beverage ~ Apple juice - but I've been drinking more water today than I think I ever have before.

2. Last phone call~Blughhh.... I called the person from last night and slurred at them for about 20 seconds before they hung up on me, and then that's when I started texting them.

3. Last kiss~ ...awkward

4. Last song you listened to~ We're Just Friends, Wilco

5. Last time you cried~ Beginning to regret starting this now

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice ~ Ye-es... I think? Did I? I don't remember. I've made every effort to block that particular instance from my mind.

7. Been cheated on? ~ Huh... In a roundabout way, I suppose I have

8. Kissed someone & regretted it ? ~ Ohhh, yes. I know all about that.

9. Lost someone special? ~ Yes, I have

10. Been depressed? ~ It's difficult to diagnose - with all due respect, so many people my age claim to have suffered from depression, that every time someone else claims likewise, I'm overcome with the urge to roll my eyes. Genuine depression is a serious condition, and no one should say they've suffered from it without professional diagnosis.

11. Been high? ~ Depends what you mean by that. "High" is very different to, say, "stoned". Not that I've ever been either, of course.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Sunshine yellow

13. Dark purple

14. Bottle green

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Have you made new friends this year ~ It's only January - I'll interpret "this year" to mean the academic year, in which case, yes I have. I've made lots, and I really love them.

16. Fallen out of love ~ Depends how liberally you use the term "love"

17. Laughed until you cried ~ On a daily basis! It gets embarrassing, if I'm honest

18. Met someone who changed you ~ Yes.

19. Found out who your true friends were ~ I've found out who is worth my time, who's going to look out for me, and who doesn't give a shit.

20. Found out someone was talking about you ~ Of course. It's annoying, how much it happens.

21. Kissed anyone on your top friends list ~ Ha! Too many

TRUTH:

23. How many kids do you want to have ~ More than one. I can't imagine anything worse than being an only child; I'm sure it has its advantages and all, but I love having siblings, and if I ever spawn any mini-Katherines, I want them to have the same positive experience I do.

24. Do you have any pets ~ One cat, Bingo, and one cactus, Brutus

25. Do you want to change your name ~ There are names I prefer to the one I have, but I'd never change my name. It's mine.

26. What did you do for your last birthday ~ Hung out with my family, because we know how to get down

27. What time did you wake up today ~ Stupidly early - about 5am, because I was unbelievably thirsty, but everyone else was still sleeping and if I'd tried to get water I'd have had to walk all over like 20 people, so instead I lay simmering in my own torturous dehydration, with nothing but a bitch of a hangover and my thoughts to entertain me.

28. What were you doing at midnight last night ~ Still drinking

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for ~ My 17th - I'm seeing Leo again :)

30. Last time you saw your father ~ I'm lookin' at 'im right now, we're watching telly

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life ~ My exercise regime... I wish one existed

32. What are you listening to right now ~ The news - specifically, Ed Miliband's voice

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom ~ To have failed to have done so is really quite hard...

34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? ~ Ed Miliband's voice. 

36. Whats your real name ~ Krystalina Perronitě Draganov

37. Relationship Status ~ Single, and thinking I will be for some time. But, y'know, that's alright. I need to get some independence sooner or later.

38. Zodiac sign ~ Aquarius

39. Male or female ~ I forget :|

40. Elementary School ~ Is this primary school? I went to one school in Northamptonshire until the age of 10 and left because the bullying was debilitating, transferred to another school a few miles away, which I loved, and which, I believe, shaped the way my head works today.

41. Middle School ~ One shit secondary school [supposed to be a faith school, clearly a load of bollocks, I've never been more unhappy than every day I used to wake up knowing I was headed to that craphole], moved to my first private school in Suffolk for GCSE [not much better], moved a few months ago back to comp school for A levels [I love it, for so many reasons. Everyone should go to my school. Anyone who doesn't is extremely unfortunate and I pity you all].

43. Hair color ~ Purple!

44. Long or short ~ Kind of midlength. When it's straight it's pretty long, though.

45. Height ~ Kind of lanky

46. Do you have a crush on someone ~ Crush, yeah, that's all it is

47. What do you like about yourself ~ I like my creativity. I like that I'm able to surround myself with lovely, lovely people. I like that I'm curious. My arse isn't too bad either.

48. Piercings ~ 2 on each lobe, another 2 on my left cartilage - 6 in total. Mooore.

49. Tattoos ~ Not yet!

50. Righty or lefty ~ Like 90% of the female population, righthanded.

FIRSTS :

51. First surgery ~ What does that constitute? Haven't had any proper medical surgery. Do piercings count?

52. First piercing ~ Lobes

53. First tattoo ~ Not yet!

54. First best friend ~ The first best friend I remember making is Danielle

55. First Sport ~ Believe it or not, I was well sporty as a little kid. I remember I used to fancy myself as a long distance runner. I  looked into joining a club and everything, but - this is really sad - they never got back to me. I totally blame Kettering Leisure Village for my adolescent pathological laziness.

56. First pet ~ Spider, the feral cat! Wow, that's going way back

57. First vacation ~ Scotland. Apparently it was snow up to your waist that year.

58. First concert ~ Probably something really sad, like a carol concert for my primary school

59. First crush ~ Legolas from Lord of the Rings :P

60. First alcohol drink ~ Advocaat :P delicious egg

RIGHT NOW:

61. Eating ~ Nothing. Haven't eaten anything for, ahem, quite a long time.

62. Drinking ~ Just water

63. I’m about to ~ Go to bed, once I've done the other 40 odd questions

64. Listening to ~ Jasper Carrott on BBC1 - basically it's his televised comeback tour after 13 years or so

65. Waiting for ~ The questions to be over

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OTHER SEX?

69. Lips or eyes~ Lips, but nice eyes are a definite bonus. I like blue eyes. Just sayin'.

70. Hugs or kisses ~ Both! ...but if I had to choose, hugs. It's harder to be bad at hugging.

71. Shorter or taller ~ Taller

72. Older or Younger ~ I don't mind, as long as it's not hugely noticeable either way

73. Romantic or spontaneous ~ Surely both is possible?

74. Nice stomach or nice arms ~ Arms. I can do with a guy without a six pack and all that... muscle.

75. Tattoos or piercings ~ Depends on the guy - some can get away with body decoration like that, others really can't. I'm cool with either, or both, if they look good on him.

76. Sensitive or loud ~ Again, both is possible, in reasonable measures

77. Hook-up or relationship ~ Ha... One of the things I was mulling over at stupid 'o' clock this morning.

78. Trouble maker or hesitant ~ Can't be dealing with a pussy. That said, bad boys are overrated, but they're less annoying.

HAVE YOU EVER :

79. Kissed a stranger ~ A near-stranger, yes

80. Drank hard liquor ~ Ughhhh... Yes

81. Lost glasses/contacts ~ Only briefly

82. Cried in front of someone ~ Not for a long time.

83. Broken someone’s heart ~ Yeeahh...

84. Had your own heart broken ~ I don't know that I've been in love

85. Been arrested ~ Oh, yeah, all the time!

86. Turned someone down ~ Yuh huh.

87. Cried when someone died ~ I haven't ever had anyone close to me die. I cried when Fred died in Deathly Hallows, and just a few minutes ago, when Benedict Cumberpatch chucked himself off the building [Sherlock Holmes spoiler just there, by the way], I got a little teary, but just because I thought I wouldn't have a future excuse to gaze upon his face

88. Liked a friend that is a girl ~ Yes I have.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

89. Yourself ~ I believe I'm capable of a lot, but so is everyone - us human beings are incredible, we really are

90. Miracles ~ Oooo... Define "miracle"?

91. Love at first sight ~ No, of course not

92. Heaven ~ yreeekk... Yes

93. Santa Clause ~ I never did, really

94. Kissing on the first date ~ Ye-es

95. Angels ~ Ahh! I don't know!

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

96. Is there one person you want to be with right now ~ More than one. I want to be with my family again - all of them, my dorky brother included

97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time ~ I'm no cheater

98. Do you believe its possible to remain faithful forever ~ It's possible, but you have to work at it, of course

99. What’s the one thing you cannot live without ~ Something to write on

100. [OWN QUESTION] Describe your perfect day ~ It'd start at about 11am, waking up in the arms of someone special, before heading to a meadow/lake place and spending the afternoon peacefully reading/painting/swimming/shagging, being joined by friends in time for a barbecue in the evening, spending time around a campfire, jamming, singing, living. I'd come back at about midnight and write for some hours until I passed out, to be carried up to bed and settled in for a repeat the next day. Laid back.

Ughhh, good luck reading that, I know I can't be bothered to.

2 of my friends have written responses to my last post - specifically, my use of the word "slut". Your arguments against it are fair enough. I shouldn't use it so much, I know, but try reasoning with tipsy-me. Easier said than done.

Quote of the Day: If Jesus spent a million pounds every day from the day he was born to the present day, he still wouldn't have spent a trillion pounds. That said, of course he wouldn't spend it. Jesus saves. [Jasper Carrott]