Happy birthday, Jesus!

It seems that my downbeat and generally mopey attitude yesterday helped get the bad feeling out of my system - aside from a minor hitch*, my sixteenth Christmas on this planet has been great. I actually woke up quite late, for me, for Christmas morning - about half 8? - and we've got more family coming over tomorrow so we're doing the "proper" dinner then, but the pheasant we had was really nice, actually. First time I'd had it and within five minutes I was rabidly gnawing any meat off the little bones because it tasted so damn good. My sister and her husband and baby Leo joined us in the afternoon, and I spent as much time as I could babynapping the wee one because I know that tomorrow, the competition will be much more fierce :P he's getting more gorgeous every time I see him. Liz gave me a framed picture she took of him wearing my massive nerd glasses a few weeks ago - he's so damn cute it should be illegal! The hair yanking is admittedly painful but all the same, the way he does all these adorable things is just brilliant. Multiple chinning it, that's my Leo. Did I write about him when he was born? Probably not, because I went through a stage of not writing anything, didn't I. My nephew was born in mid-September and... Let's just say, before he gummed his way into my life, I was a pathological child-hater. They're not that bad anymore. I'm going to stop talking about the baby now. 

Anyway - my entire family chipped in and bought me a guitar! I've called him Hermann and he's just... just beautiful. He came with a bright yellow strap and all. I've been so spoiled this year, and I'm really grateful for everything I've been given :) Bring on New Year!

Quote of the day: He's bending down now. Oh look, now he's getting up again. I knew he'd do that. [Bernard Black, Black Books]

* At about one minute past midnight really early Christmas morning, I walked into the living room to watch Borat and stubbed and broke my toe on the bastard sofa. Merry Christmas, Katherine!

Festive regrets.

Coming up to a year ago now, I went out with this guy without liking him at all and I can admit now that I was with him because I wanted to get back at someone else who'd hurt me not long before that, in a nicely fucked up look-at-me-I'm-doing-just-fine-without-you way. That's probably the worst thing I've ever done; using someone like that, playing with someone like that, is unforgivable. He despises me now, and has every reason to - no one deserves to be messed around like that, and even though I never did what I should have done and come clean to him, I think he knew, or at least knows now, that I was never terribly keen on him. I mean, when all is said and done, nothing about my personality is remotely compatible with his - in his company, I have never had to fight so hard to not instinctively roll my eyes at some of the things he said and did, and he disagrees with all of my beliefs and ethics [which is completely fair enough, I know that people have differing opinions - it's just rare that two people of opinions differing to the extent to which ours did should ever form any kind of successful relationship. Ours was, of course, very unsuccessful].

I broke up with him a couple of weeks after we got together because, naturally, I started to feel guilty, and I basically didn't want the knowledge that I was leading him on making me feel bad anymore. I got, and broke up, with him for purely selfish reasons and several months on, older and wiser and all that, I'm suffering for it a lot more than I was back then. I couldn't justify what I did even if I wanted to. Like I said, unforgivable. Haven't spoken to him for months - haven't thought about him for months either - but I bumped into his sister in town earlier today, and there was that awkward you-played-my-brother-like-an-instrument-you-absolute-whore moment and that put him back in my mind. Kind of inconveniently. I mean - it's Christmas Eve, I'm supposed to be happy! If I could take control of a time machine, the first thing I'd do would be to punch my younger self, if only to act as revenge for the fact that the guilt is gnawing away at me now. I'd go back exactly a year and give myself such a bollocking. That girl I was then - she disgusts me. I was reading my diary entrants from January this year, and it made me want to throw something, or at least call a friend and beg to know why they stayed friends with me after that. Seriously.

Still. Christmas tomorrow. Family. Presents. Goodwill. A fucking massive turkey. Wham.
New Year after that. Home. Friends. Jools Holland.

It's going to be good. At New Year I can make a list of resolutions to inevitably break by January 3rd. As always.

I hope I cheer up in time for tomorrow.

Quote of the day: Penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar. They're worth so much more after I'm a goner. [If I Die Young, The Band Perry]

The Most Beautiful Man in the World

Just... indescribable.

Wooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhh sweet child o' mine

How have I lived almost seventeen years and failed to hear that song until yesterday?! Madness!

On a bit of a high, not gonna lie - just got back from the first night of the pantomime I volunteered myself into a few months ago, and, as a performance, it was so damn good! Teeheeheee, I love life. Even if I am cross-dressing, again. Ahh, I'm going to miss the cast so much when it's over - I'm probably going to wake up the morning after the last performance and be like, "What do i do with my life now?"

Until then, I'm just going to bask in the awesomeness that is Cinderella. Biggest social climber in the history of fairy tales, when you think about it. I'm not her, I'm Dandini [or Prince Charming's submissive, obedient bitch on the side]. He's pretty cool, when Charming's freaking out about his future bride buggering off at the Ball, Dandini's all like "Hey, be cool, she's not that good anyway." :P