ONE DAY MORE

Okay I've got work in 10 minutes and UGH I'M SO TIRED DON'T MAKE ME DO IT GOD

I don't think I know how to not complain about stuff anymore

I'm getting kinda chubby. I should regulate my eating, but I really love pie. This is a genuine dilemma.

Going up to Scotland in two days. TWO DAYS. It really cannot come fast enough - I am utterly whacked. And increasingly sounding more and more like my mother. Which is fine, she's a wonderful lady, but I'm eighteen and the preferred lexicon for "very tired" is "knackered".

When did I become such a dick.

Work is hard. Which sounds obvious, but it doesn't negate my point. Working in a pub, sometimes we're so busy that I want to cry with exhaustion, and other times there is nothing at all to be done and I want to cry with boredom. I find myself doing a lot of cleaning. Compulsively, you could say. Which isn't good, but it's something I do well.

I like being in the kitchen, because I'm learning so much, and not at all in a sit-down-with-a-textbook-and-here's-a-recipe-for-quiche kind of way. It feels like osmosis - I watch these chefs, who've been in the business for longer than I've been alive, and their knowledge and confidence makes me feel so stupid - but then they never make me feel insignificant, and I really appreciate and respect them for that.

I like being behind the bar, because the air conditioning is really good, and I like pretending to be charming and cheeky because, trust me, the punters lap that shit up like it's going out of fashion. It makes me sad, in a way, because the customers that I'm getting to know are the ones who're in there every day, and - of course - they're in there every day because they're all raging alcoholics. And that makes me sad, because they ask for a double Bells and Coke and I want to punch them in the face and say "NO, GO HOME TO YOUR WIFE AND NEVER COME BACK" but that would get me fired so I just serve them and try not to think about their ever-decreasing life expectancy. If anything, working behind the bar has given me a very, very clear idea of the kind of person I never want to be. So there's that.

But I really need to go to Scotland. I'll read lots and swim lots and take lots of pictures and I'll hang out with ALL my family and Mum and I will climb mountains and then we'll have barbecues. Many, many barbecues.

What was that I was saying about getting chubby? Oh, well. At least my jeans still fit.

"So what do you want to do with your life?"

oh gee shit NO, ANY QUESTION BUT THIS, HOW THE BOLLOCKS AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE I MEAN FUCK I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT FOR LUNCH TOMORROW, HOW THE EVER-LIVING DICK CAN I BE EXPECTED TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND ALL THE PEOPLE I EFFECT AND INFLUENCE, FUCK, NO ONE SHOULD BE INFLUENCED BY ME, HAVE YOU SEEN THE DUMB SHIT I DO BECAUSE BELIEVE ME NO ONE SHOULD BE DOING THAT AND I DON'T WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE WHEN SOMEONE COPIES ME AND GETS INTO DEEP SHIT AND BLAMES ME WHEN FUCKADOODLEDOO I'M NOT YOUR BABYSITTER DON'T BE SUCH A DUMBFUCK, AND THAT THERE IS WHAT I STRONGLY BELIEVE OUGHT TO BE THE FIRST RULE OF LIVING ON EARTH, WRITTEN IN THE SKY AND IN THE MOUNTAINS AND IN EVERY DIFFERENT LANGUAGE, "DON'T BE SUCH A DUMBFUCK" BECAUSE REALLY A LOT OF CRIME WOULD BE HUGELY REDUCED IF PEOPLE COULD STOP BEING SO DUMB, DOING STUPID SHIT LIKE IMITATING IDIOTS LIKE MYSELF WHICH, SHIT, WAS NEVER A FUCKING GOOD IDEA, OH DEAR GOD PLEASE NEVER GIVE ME CHILDREN OF MY OWN TO CORRUPT AND TURN INTO MINI-MES BECAUSE THEY'LL NEVER CATCH A BREAK WITH A MORON LIKE ME AS A MOTHER, OH ME OH MY WILL SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN, THE POOR BASTARDS, AND ARGH STOP GIVING ME RESPONSIBILITIES, I AM PHYSICALLY REJECTING THEM ALL - LEARN TO DRIVE, KATHERINE, NO FUCK YOU GO TO UNIVERSITY, KATHERINE, NO FUCK YOU GET A JOB, KATHERINE NO FUCK Y- OH OKAY I'LL GET A JOB OH HELLO MONEY WHERE DID YOU COME FROM, IT'S RARE FOR US TO SPEND REAL TIME TOGETHER, Y'KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO, WE SHOULD START AND MAINTAIN A SMOKING HABIT, JUST BECAUSE I HAVE SOME CASH AND LUNGS TO BURN AND WHY THE HELL SHOULDN'T I IT'S MY OWN FREAKING BODY FUCK ANYONE WHO TELLS ME OTHERWISE BUT WAAAIT YOU'RE A WOMAN DO YOU WANT TO JEOPARDIZE YOUR CHANCES OF HAVING HEALTHY CHILDREN IN THE FUTURE OH WAIT NO HOLD THE FUCK UP DON'T GIVE ME CHILDREN OH MY GOD PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME CHILDREN I'LL FUCK THEM UP WITH MY STUPIDITY AND UTTER, UTTER LACK OF COMMON SENSE - I DON'T WANT RESPONSIBILITY, I WANT TO GO INTO A WORLD THAT DOESN'T EXIST YET BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I'M YET TO INVENT IT, IT'S STILL A HELL OF A LOT EASIER THAN THE ONE I'M ALREADY IN AND IN GENERAL JUST fuck

"well y'know i kind of want to live in a cave and never see anyone ever"

Employment

is hard

School was always kind of easy for me - even when I wasn't doing so well academically, it was never a struggle to sit behind a desk and write whatever I needed to write in order to overachieve. And now I'm in an uncomfortably hot industrial kitchen, making pastry and hacking up bits of chicken carcass and washing up and generally spending my time handling slimy things and it's weird and gross and I love it - jeez, do I love it. I'm using my freaking body, and I'm in a confined space, and it's an unhealthy environment, and I'm constantly in danger of grievously injuring myself with the crazy samurai swords we use to cut vegetables, and I just freaking love it. 

My official title is "kitchen apprentice". Which sounds cool to me.

Whatever. 

Presenting...

...a CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF SOCIETY
YES
I HAVE A JOB
omg i'm so glad
think of all the monies

i'm off for a drink by myself at the shitty little pub in my village that does obscenely cheap jack&coke
ciao