Minor problems

This is a negative post because I'm stressed.

It's less than three weeks 'til exams start. I'm cranky, knackered, even more short-tempered and unpleasant to be around than usual and spending most of my time biting the inside of my mouth to stop myself snapping at my friends for no reason - but today was pretty bad. I was all snippy at someone who calls me a friend who - without beating about the bush - gets on my nerves even when I'm not crabby, and who actually did do something really stupid, but he didn't deserve the crap I gave him and, uh, I feel bad. Kind of really really bad, and I'm just making excuses, but if I apologise then I know he'll take it too far and overanalyse anything and get even more paranoid and UGH I CAN'T BE BOTHERED I'M ANGRY LEAVE ME ALONE PISS OFF COME BACK WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING GIVE ME A HUG NOT YOU I'M SICK OF YOU YOU THERE HUG ME BEFORE I POISON MYSELF AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE MURDER NO NO SHUT UP I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT STOP TOUCHING ME DON'T GO AWAY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'm sorry

Anyway. I want to talk about hate because I'm angry and it seems appropriate. And now I'm getting overzealous with the italics, gosh darn.

I believe it's a strong word, but also completely reasonable and just as omnipresent as the concept of love - like many things, you can't have one without the other. Off the top of my head, there are three people in the world who I would say I dislike with enough intensity to warrant use of the H word - people who have done something, or many things, to me personally to make me resent their existence.

One, I called my best friend from the age of seven to sixteen. She's fun to be around, I suppose, and for all those years I did notice that some of the stuff she said and did was unnecessary and sometimes nothing short of cruel and manipulative, but she was my best friend. We were going to be each others' maid of honour, godmother to the kids, best friends to the end. Chances are that you, you reading this now, you know what happened. I'm not blameless, and I know what they say about not falling out with a friend over some guy, but it's different. Between them they broke my heart and messed me around and led me on and cut me up again and again and again, cheated me, played with me, made me feel like nothing and like I was nothing to everyone else in this world I find myself occupying. She's lied about me. Probably still does, I don't know. We all know I'm lying but I'll insist to the grave that I don't give a flying fuck about her.

The second befriended me when I was an enormous loner at a new school, and I heard rumours that she was fourteen-faced and manipulative but I was just grateful that someone was talking to me. Without going into loads of detail, because people reading this who know her will have guessed by now, I went off her when she turned her spitefulness against me because I objected to the way she was taking advantage of people and treating them as if they were less than human and we haven't really spoken since. 

The third and only guy was one of the nicest people I'd ever met until he became a wanker and sold out a secret I'd trusted him with to #2. Still bitter about that.

I try to be indifferent to those I can't like, but I'm just not that laid back a person. I openly admit to having a habit of lashing out at those who don't deserve it and a seriously irritable disposition. Though nowadays, I find my anger being increasingly neglected, which can only mean that I'm beginning to chill out.

There is one person, a particular ex of mine, who makes me angry just thinking about him, who doesn't make it onto my list. But argh, he's such a wanker! An annoying, possessive, lying, manipulative, disgusting, perverted, unreasonable, pathetic wanker - but I can't hate him. It grieves me dearly that I can't, but all that stuff, it was my own damn fault. I only have myself to blame, because I'm an idiot. 

All the same. Getting rid of the chip in my shoulder is harder to do than I first thought. I'm trying.

One thing good that happened today [which is really pathetic, because it's not that good] - I found out exactly who I'm going to marry: Jack White. Or someone just as talented and passionate and rugged and interesting and entertaining and inspirational and humble and funny and damn sexy as he is. This is the only time I've ever been thankful for Jools Holland. Rather pleasant surprise to turn on the TV and find Jack singing at me.

Just told mum about my girlfriend -.- Nuuuuggggggghhhhhhh.

But anyway. I need to work. I'm deactivating my Facebook until exams are over because I'm too easily distracted and, for the first time in my life, failure is simultaneously not an option and a very probable outcome.

Quote of the Day: I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear. [Beautiful Mess, Jason Mraz. My friend said that this song reminds her of me today... I don't know what to make of that. The lyrics are kind of bittersweet, which isn't the emotion I really want to instil in her, of all people.]