Making amends

A while ago I wrote about hatred, and I've decided that I'm sick of it.

Tomorrow evening I'm seeing one of the cited three in the context of a party, and by putting it online I'm making it official that I intend to apologise. My reasons for wanting to put right this loathing I feel aren't clear, even to myself, but I think I'm just tired of being bitter. Over the last couple of days I've been thinking long and hard about the kind of person I want to be, and it struck me that "angry, resentful and poisonous" aren't adjectives that I want attributed to myself. I want to be laid back, and I can't be while I'm still balling my hands into fists whenever any of the aforementioned three are brought up in conversation.

Another reason is guilt. This girl I'm seeing tomorrow, we have two mutual friends, one being the party's host and the other being the cause of my guilt. I can't justify it anymore, to myself or to him, that I have a good reason to hate her. Everything that happened was, admittedly, ages ago. And I know it's awkward for him - or, no, he's actually taken it upon himself to feel stuck in the middle when he doesn't have to be, but that's just him and the resulting guilt tripping is the same regardless. But I get it. I'm closer to him than she is. I'm not at the same school as them. I'm easier to handle anyway. It doesn't mean that I don't resent that he's always saying that I should get over it. I don't know, maybe he says the same to her. Maybe I'm being really unfair. I'm not trying to pick a fight, but it bothers me. The only conceivable way to end the guilt is to stop slagging her off, and stop her slagging me off, so there's nothing for him to be stuck in the middle of, and no need to lecture me on letting go and growing up. 

So. The plan is as follows: wait until she's drunk and mellow enough to not bite my head off, try and talk to her, and then... And then what? This is where my vision of a beautiful makeup, sunshine and roses and golden happiness, is flawed. "Hi, sorry I hated you for ages. Let's stop bitching and be fwiends." Any way I think of it, everything I say comes out sounding completely inane. And what if she rejects me! What if she turns other people there against me and ostracises me! What if she gets aggressive! What if I get aggressive? The guilt-friend is going to be there too and I'll just feel worse if he has to pick a side. And that'll just start more arguments because, regardless of whose side he does pick, the other will tear him to pieces because we're bitches.

I've just realised that I am exactly the same as this girl I've spent a year hating. That's demoralising.

Oh, man. Now it's up here, I really hope I don't chicken out.