Making mistakes

Been playing this song on repeat nonstop for days.

Um, yeah, the party was a little bit of a disaster. I didn't get around to making amends with the girl because the eye contact we mutually refused to make all night was a little bit indicative of not wanting anything to do with one another. That's fine. Well. No it's not, it's fucking annoying, but there's nothing I can do about it. But that really is the least of my worries. Long story short, I turned up in a bad mood and, slightly tipsy, thought it was a wonderful idea to get as shitfaced as possible in as short a time as I could, coming to a climax when I threw up in the back of my friend's car on the way home. 

Classy. I know.

I'd say I'm never touching alcohol again but I'd blatantly be lying. As a compromise, I promise to not drink to drown my sorrows again. Just... urgh. Not cool. Not cool. Fucking stupid.

I've apologised to everyone who I remember needing to apologise to, but I worry that they're being nice about it to humour me. The guilt is unreal. But the resignation is what stings most. It's as if, in response to the magnificent cockup I made of Saturday night, my brain's sighed and gone "You fool"as opposed to the full-on, hammering around in my head, screaming "YOU ABSOLUTE TIT" into my hangover and making me feel ill with remorse and regret and all other negative emotions associated with the night before that I know I deserve. It's like I've done this kind of thing too often for my conscience to respond anymore. Like it's desensitised to my class A idiocy because it's something I practice so often. 

In short: alcohol bad. Drugs: bad. Everything else that's remotely fun: bad. Bummer.

What hasn't been weakened, though, is the self-loathing I feel when I know I've hurt someone else. Not the puking in the car. I don't know if she's hurt, or how much, if she is, and if nothing else, that's the cause of lost sleep for Katherine.

I don't mean to completely disregard everything I've just written, but I'm going to tell you what I have adopted as my new motto:

"Life is too important to be taken seriously." - Oscar Wilde

It's okay. It's going to be okay.